After doing my quick check of the spam folder today, I saw more and more spam messages that are indignant about the lack of my reply.
I’ve pasted in the spam emails below. As you’ll see, one killed the deal in milliseconds by starting with an insult, “are you looking to add a touch of professionalism and creativity to your website?” If that’s not a blatant insult, it is at least something from the realm of aggressive passivity.
The other two include such timeless refrains of the rude and self-entitled, “I’m still waiting for your reply” and “a friendly bump to the top of your inbox.”
There is an unwarranted expectation on behalf of cold callers, that we must yield “15 minutes” of time for them to pitch us, even when they’ve never read our websites or blogs, listened to our podcasts, or discovered if we have been yearning for a solution to a particular problem.
This sense of entitlment is a deal killer for me. For some reason, it reminded me of the back-and-forth tussle captured in the Frank Loesser song, Baby, It’s Cold Outside. You can see the original film version, below.
There is little difference between the spammers of today and the desperate bloke in the song who is just pushing for what he wants and never taking no for an answer, nor even listening to what’s being said other than for fodder for new pushiness.
Enjoy this cathartic bit of songwriting, with no AI; just pure passion.
Baby, There’s Spam Outside
I really must engage
Baby, there’s spam outside
I won’t go away
Baby, there’s spam outside
This work day has been
Hoping that you’d give in
So, very nice
I’ll hit delete, I’ll unsubscribe
My manager will start to worry
It’s you that, is in a hurry
My colleagues will be pacing the floor
Listen to that trash icon roar
So, really I’d better scurry
Not for me, I’m in no hurry
But maybe just a reply email more
I’m showing you the way to the door
My quota will stink
Baby, there’s spam out there
Say, what makes you tick?
I have some blogs out there
I wish I knew how
Your eyes are quite startled now
To book a call
I’ve told you no, this ain’t no stall
I ought to say, “Now, now, now sir”
You are not a good closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried
You can but that is just being snide
You really must pay
There is no hand out
Baby, there’s spam outside
Ugh, you’re very pushy, you know?
That’s the pot calling the kettle black
You simply must read
Baby, there’s spam outside
You must by from me
But, baby, there’s spam outside
My welcome was smooth
I asked to be removed
I now must be warm
No you’re lost, lost in the storm
My supervisor will be suspicious
But your offer was not delicious
My should just make you want more
You’re not even close to the shore
You’ll make me start being vicious
It’s this part I find delicious
Do you just need one chance more
You just can’t read the score
You’ve got to reply
Baby, it’s spam out there
You can’t say goodbye
Look at the spam out there
My offer’s too grand
Actually I thought it was bland
You just don’t see
Actually, you’re the one who doesn’t know me
There’s bound to be more tomorrow
Think of my life-long sorrow
At least someone will get you to buy
No, but there are plenty who’ve tried
I really can’t stay
Glad that ran out
Baby, there’s spam out
Baby, there’s spam outside
Okay, fine, what’d I do wrong?
You will never know when you push outbound marketing …
Today’s Candidates Of Shameful Spam
Here are the ones that triggered this blog post.
Please, if you need to sell things, read or listen to some of our reflections on Inbound Marketing; it’s a much more wholesome way to be a marketer in this world.
The irony about the third example, is that the gently pushy opening is selling “Hubspot”, which is meant to be a tool for supporting Inbound Marketing but is being pushed with cold calling.
Finally, the original scene, you can sing along if you wish.