Have you noticed how business owners seem to be under a peculiar trance when it comes to their online marketing? There’s this widespread, almost hypnotic belief that the only path to digital salvation is through the hallowed gates of an SEO company, one that promises to focus on specific “keywords” and deliver the promised land of page one Google rankings.

It’s a phenomenon that bears an uncanny resemblance to Clive Palmer’s spectacular Trumpet of Patriots party campaign during the May 2025 federal election – an exercise that saw $60 million evaporate faster than morning mist on the Adelaide Hills. Both share that special quality of being incredibly expensive, remarkably ineffective, and stubbornly resistant to common sense.

The Palmer Parallel: A Case Study in Expensive Irrelevance

Clive Palmer’s Trumpet of Patriots (ToP) party reportedly spent approximately $60 million on its 2025 federal election campaign. This included about $5.6 million on television advertising and $4.2 million on YouTube ads. Palmer’s strategy seemed to be “shout louder than everyone else and hope someone listens” – a strategy that might sound familiar to anyone who’s been cornered by an SEO salesperson at a networking event.

What did all this spending achieve? A paltry 1.46% of the primary vote, working out to around $245 per vote. To put that in perspective, Legalise Cannabis Australia achieved a similar vote share (1.14%) while spending virtually nothing on advertising.

Let’s unpack this for a moment. If Palmer’s campaign were an SEO client, it would be the one bragging about “impressions” while studiously avoiding any mention of conversions. “Look at all those eyeballs!” they’d crow, while quietly hiding the fact that those eyeballs were mostly rolling in their sockets.

In SEO terms, Palmer’s campaign was a textbook case of high spend with negligible return:

Enormous reach (impressions) but abysmal conversion rates
A sky-high cost per conversion ($245 per vote)
Zero seats won (the ultimate conversion goal)
Negligible influence gained relative to investment

Sound familiar? It should, because it’s exactly what happens when businesses throw money at SEO without understanding what actually drives meaningful engagement online.

The “Trumpet of SEOs” Phenomenon

Just as Palmer blasted Australians with those infuriating text messages like “Solve housing fast trains 20 min CBD cheaper land. Super for deposit 3% interest, cut immigration by 80%” – a linguistic car crash of keywords with no coherent message – countless businesses are pouring money into stuffing their websites with awkward phrases like “dentist in Adelaide” or “lawyer in Adelaide” or “plumber in Adelaide” repeated ad nauseam.

And just like Palmer’s campaign, there’s often precious little to show for it besides a lighter bank account.

Here’s what typically happens when a business owner succumbs to SEO anxiety:

Panic sets in about not getting enough leads
An SEO company appears, promising digital enlightenment
The business owner hands over $800-$1500 per month
A flurry of “optimisation” happens in the first month or two
Then… not much, apart from monthly reports featuring impressive-looking but ultimately meaningless metrics
The business owner continues paying, just in case this month is the month it all pays off

As industry sources have confirmed, many SEO agencies promise the world, do some basic fundamentals, and then either resort to questionable tactics or produce junk statistics (misrepresenting impressions as engagement or conversions). Some even create fake AI-generated blog posts that link to a client’s site to manufacture the appearance of inbound links.

It’s Palmer’s campaign all over again – lots of noise, minimal impact.

The Worlds of Difference

Here’s something the SEO trumpet-blowers often forget to mention: there are several worlds of difference between:

Appearing in search results
Someone actually clicking through to your website
That visitor staying on your site long enough to read anything
That reader trusting you enough to make contact
That contact becoming a genuine lead
That lead converting to a customer

Showing up on page one of Google for “dentist in Adelaide” is about as useful as Palmer’s billboard if your website reads like it was written by a committee of bored bureaucrats with a keyword quota to fill.

What Actually Works: The Anti-Palmer Approach

Google’s own guidelines (now called Google Search Essentials) make it crystal clear: create helpful, reliable, people-first content. Focus on material that genuinely benefits users and ensure information is accurate, trustworthy, and written for humans, not algorithms.

Let’s translate that from Google-speak: Write stuff people actually want to read, and Google will follow.

The foundation for genuinely effective online presence hasn’t changed despite all the algorithm updates and AI advancements:

Experience, Expertise, Trustworthiness, and Authority still matter enormously. ChatGPT and other tools can wax lyrically about your dentist practice, legal firm, or plumbing business using generic adjectives and some fictitious triumphs, but that will only get you so far and most likely not far at all. Most of us can still smell the BS quite quickly.
Authentic understanding of your audience’s challenges is irreplaceable. Have you earnestly conveyed that you understand a visitor’s needs/pain/challenges faced in your geographical area and offered some simple information suggesting a way forward?
Depth and specificity trump shallow keyword stuffing. Have you created thoughtful blog posts addressing specific questions or challenges your clients face, giving both humans and search engines substantial material that demonstrates your relevance?

How to Assess Your Own Site: The Honest Questions

Before you reach for your wallet next time an SEO firm comes calling, try this exercise. Visit your own website as if you were a complete stranger with the problem your business solves:

Does the site immediately communicate that it understands your problem?
Is the content engaging and helpful, or just a collection of self-congratulatory statements?
Would you trust this business based solely on what you see here?
Is there evidence of real expertise and experience, or just claims of excellence?
If you needed this service urgently, would this site convince you to call?

Be brutally honest. If you’re wincing at the answers, you don’t need an SEO firm – you need better content that actually speaks to real humans.

The Trumpet vs. The Conversation

The Palmer campaign was essentially a trumpet – loud, brash, and utterly tone-deaf. In contrast, genuine marketing value comes from conversation – real empathy for people’s situations and relevant “stories from the trenches” that show you walk your talk. That brings power and recall value.

The choice for your business is clear: Do you want to be the Palmer party of your industry – blasting keywords at people until they actively avoid you? Or would you rather be the trusted voice that understands their problems and offers genuine solutions?

One approach costs a fortune and achieves very little. The other builds lasting relationships with the people who matter most to your business.

The trumpet is certainly louder, but it’s the conversation that people remember.

Trumpet of SEOs: How To Waste Your Marketing Money Like Clive Palmer