In my recent acceptance speech at the prestigious "Most Prestigious Awards for Prestige 2024", where I won "Most Award-Winning Person to Win an Award While Accepting an Award", I had an epiphany. We might have a awards problem.

The Awards Industrial Complex

Remember when winning an award meant something? Even Farmers Union Iced Coffee had to earn its cult status the hard way.

Today, at the time of writing, I'm watching my 16-year-old compete for state kayaking championships - training seven days a week, years of dedication, early mornings, and relentless commitment. That's what real achievement looks like. That's what real awards recognise.

Meanwhile, in the business world, I've been named "Most Outstanding Solar-Powered, Hybrid-Driving Business Consultant in Campbelltown Council Who Holds Coffee Meetings at Baretto Cafe Bottega and Holds Pizza Meetings At Rostrevor Pizza Bar" by an awards body that apparently caught my "excellence" via LinkedIn algorithm. The contrast would be hilarious if it weren't so telling.

Nowadays, we're drowning in a tsunami of certificates, medals, and crystal triangles that would make a Year 3 participation trophy blush.

Let's break down this circus into its natural habitats:

The Green Light Awards

These are the real deal. The Telstra Business Awards, SA Tourism Awards - you know, the ones where judges actually leave their desk and the application process requires more documentation than a NASA launch. Winners earn their stripes, and the trophy actually weighs more than their sense of achievement.

The Amber Zone

Welcome to the murky middle ground, where local councils and industry bodies host what I like to call "community participation events with shiny things". Take the City of Charles Sturt Business Recognition Awards. When they launched recently, they had 39 winners and "many more" finalists from 475 nominations. Then they created a "Business Legends" category, which, alone had 20+ winners. At this point, it's hard to know what businesses have missed out on being named or awarded.

The Red Flag Brigade

Ah, my personal favourite. The awards that are essentially Nigerian Prince emails with better graphic design. I'm looking at you, APAC Awards, with your "we noticed your excellence" emails that somehow went to my marketing consultancy, my podcast, AND my uncle's lawn bowling club.

The Art of Award Arbitrage

When I spoke at the Whyalla Business Awards as Professor Sebastian Longsword (yes, that's a thing that happened), I shared the secret sauce of awards marketing:

1. Won an award? Plaster a big emblem on your window saying, Whyalla Business Awards, with the word, Winner underneath it in font size 72
2. Runner up? Same thing, just print Whyalla Business Awards in huge print, then Runner Up in font size 36
3. Nominee? Again, same thing, Whyalla Business Awards in huge print just put Nominee in font Size 24
4. Just attending the awards? Even you can milk it. Print Whyalla Business Awards in huge letters, then put Attendee in font size 12

The Mathematics of Meaninglessness

Let's talk about the Webby Awards, shall we? They've been flooding my DMs for years about The Adelaide Show Podcast.

With 13,000 entrants paying between US$200-400, they're running a US$4 million "you're special" printing press.

That's not an awards programme; that's a printing company with excellent marketing.

The Rise of Demographic Desperation

The InDaily "40 Under 40" awards sparks an interesting thought. Why stop there? We could have:

• 50 Over 50
• Top 2024 in 2024 (very timely)
• 30 Under 300 (for particularly ambitious vampires)
• 40 Between 40-41 (for those having a very specific midlife crisis)

In Defence of the Indefensible

But here's the thing: maybe we need this circus.

We know those medal stickers on bottles of wine help lots of consumers decide to make a purchase, without bothering to check that the Humpty Doo Wine Show Category 38 was for Best Wine At Immitating The Smell Of A Sweaty Saddle. Who cares? It still says Gold or Silver.

In a world where success is increasingly hard to measure (and even harder to achieve), perhaps these awards serve a purpose. They're like business participation trophies for grown-ups, and you know what? Sometimes that's exactly what we need.

I've seen The Freedom Awards mentioned a few times in my networks this year. I had a look at the site. Apparently, they let you enter multiple categories if you have their $50 a year membership. Is that cynical? Perhaps. Does it give small business owners a marketing tool and a moment to feel proud? Absolutely yes!

I think there is a downside. When the business world looks like a set from Play School, there comes a point when we become sick of everything being like a kindegarten Xmas break up. I actually hold some businesses in contempt for proudly trumpeting having won an outlandish award because I know I was hit by spam by the organisers offering the award on a first in, best dressed basis.

The Whimsy Solution

This is why I created the Grand Whimsy Awards. If we're going to have meaningless awards, let's at least be honest about it.

You might have seen this in my socials through the week. Thank you for all the congratulations. Only two people thought it sounded suspicious, the rest have noted that I am "award worthy", whatever that means.

Our categories celebrate the art of turning nothing into something - which, coincidentally, is exactly what the awards industry has perfected.

I'll paste in the completely fictitious award details below, which I co-created with Claude AI - always dangers to mix robots with my mind when I am in an absurdist frame of mind!!

Conclusion: The Award Goes To...

In the end, awards are like cryptocurrency - their value exists because we collectively agree they have value. So perhaps the real award was the friends we made along the way. And the marketing opportunities. Definitely the marketing opportunities.

Author's Note: This blog post has been nominated for "Most Incisive Commentary About Awards While Simultaneously Applying for Seven Different Awards" at the 2024 Bloggers Choice Awards (entry fee only $299.99).

Appendix: Everything You Never Wanted To Know About The Whimsy Awards

The Grand Whimsy Awards 2024: Celebrating the Art of Joyful Innovation

Welcome to the 42nd Quantum-Annual Grand Whimsy Awards, where we honour those extraordinary beings who have mastered the profound art of whimsical thinking. In an age of rigid conventionality, these awards celebrate those brave souls who dare to approach life and business with the transformative power of whimsy.

🌟 The Philosophy of Whimsy

Recognised by leading imaginarians and praised by the University of Spontaneous Thought, the Grand Whimsy Awards acknowledge those who understand that true innovation springs from the delightful collision of serious purpose and playful possibility. Whether you've revolutionised your industry through the application of carefully controlled chaos, or transformed your life through the strategic deployment of joy, your achievements deserve our prestigious Whimsy Crystal (carved from crystallised laughter and morning dew).

🏆 14 Categories of Enlightened Whimsy

LIFE WHIMSIES

1. "Grand Achievement in Spontaneous Problem-Solving"
2. "Excellence in the Integration of Play and Purpose"
3. "Distinguished Mastery of Creative Chaos"
4. "Supreme Innovation in Daily Joy Engineering"
5. "Outstanding Merit in Perspective Transformation"
6. "Lifetime Achievement in Serendipitous Discovery"
7. "Pinnacle Award for Whimsical Wisdom"

BUSINESS WHIMSIES

1. "Revolutionary Application of Playful Strategy"
2. "Excellence in Corporate Culture Metamorphosis"
3. "Distinguished Achievement in Joy-Driven Productivity"
4. "Mastery of Whimsical Leadership"
5. "Supreme Innovation in Collaborative Creativity"
6. "Outstanding Merit in Purposeful Play Integration"
7. "Visionary Implementation of Enlightened Frivolity"

🎨 The Path to Whimsical Enlightenment

01 NOMINATE

Have you witnessed someone transmuting the ordinary into the extraordinary through the power of whimsy? Nominate them with their name, email, and a brief tale of their whimsical wisdom. Self-nominations are not merely accepted – they are considered an act of enlightened self-awareness! No business required for LIFE categories (though whimsical enterprises count double).

02 APPLY

All nominees must submit an application demonstrating their mastery of whimsy through:

• A manifesto on the serious business of being unserious
• Evidence of at least three instances of productive playfulness
• A recommendation from someone whose life they've made more whimsical
• Documentation of their personal journey from gravity to levity

03 CELEBRATE

Join us for the most philosophically frivolous celebration in the known universe! Winners will be announced at our Whimsy Gala, where conventional reality takes a holiday and dress code is "seriously unserious" (bonus points for wearable metaphors).

🎭 The Grand Gala Event

When: The Most Whimsical Evening of 2024 (Earth calendar: 21st December) - 7pm until joy becomes infinite

Where: The Grand Hall of Perpetual Possibility (located at the intersection of imagination and reality)

Dress Code: Philosophical Formal with a Touch of Transcendence

Catering: Featuring conceptual cuisine that questions the very nature of dinner

🌈 Special Notes

• All attendees receive a certificate in Advanced Whimsical Studies
• Gravity of thought is strictly optional
• Time optimists welcome (we understand you'll arrive precisely when you mean to)
• No serious thoughts were harmed in the making of these awards

Remember: In a world that often mistakes solemnity for substance, whimsy is our most profound act of rebellion.

The Grand Whimsy Awards: Because the most serious achievements require the least serious approach to achieve them.

⚡️ Nominations now open across all states of consciousness ⚡️